Isn’t the title too offensive? Do you feel angry when you read it? Do you think it should immediately be removed from the internet because it possesses extreme views that hurt your sentiments? Not everybody’s, just yours.

Well, if the answer to all of those questions is yes, what are you gonna do? Comment on it? Give it the “Angry” emoji on Facebook? Curse my mother, my sister, basically my entire family? File an FIR? Seriously, what are you gonna do? You don’t know my name, neither my religion nor my caste. Heck, you don’t even know my freaking gender! So, tell me. What are you gonna do?

I have a solution for you. In fact, I have a series of solutions for you.

an open letter

You can start off with a little open letter against my pen name. Post it on the website whose name sounds like poop and you’ll have your publicity (oops! Your revenge. Oops, again!), I mean you’d have served your rightful responsibility as the legitimate citizen of this democratic country. Ration card hai na? Come on! I didn’t mean to offend, but the title has already done its job so I’m thinking, what the heck!

Now that you have published your open letter, and your “thoughts” and my “extremist views” are all over the internet, what would you do? I told you I have a series of solutions. I have you covered here. You wait for someone to file an FIR against me! But, how can anybody do that? I don’t have a name. Like, I have an identity, but I don’t have a name. So, you wait for them to grow some brains and file an FIR against this website. You really have to stop getting offended; I told you I’m going all out after that title fiasco. I mean I respect you for making it this far, but, you know.

rallies for ban

So, the open letter is everywhere, and FIRs (yes, plural!) have been filed. Now various people will take out rallies, and burn effigies without a face because I made an excellent choice. After that, the most important and crucial step of your publicity stunt comes into the picture. Shut up! Even you know it’s a publicity stunt. So, keep your thoughts to yourself! By the way, how does it feel when somebody uses your argument against you? Heh! Heh! wink wink

We were talking about the most important step here, though. It’s, hold your breath, The Debate. When you get invited to “The Debate” as the person who wrote the open letter; because of whom, this crucial issue of banning an article came into the picture, because of whom my IP address has been tracked, because of whom this article will be taken down for a week from this website, you will shout. You don’t think we badasses are gonna delete it permanently, do you? Rookies! And yes, you will shout. Louder than the one time Assamese of the Year, louder than the police, louder than the effigy burner and the FIR guy, because you fucking wrote that open letter and the spotlight is yours, bitch!

burning effigy

Two weeks later, you will disappear. This article would have garnered millions of views in its screenshots and after reappearing on this website, and you’d have earned me a whole lot of money and publicity. And I’ll create similar content again, and I’d have had a good fan following by then, and I would tell you three things.

  1. Thank You for making us in and famous
  2. You still don’t know my name
  3. Nobody knows yours either, but I’m still more famous than you

Moral of the story: Ban me by all the means just because I “hurt” you. But, I’ll care the least about it, and I’ll rise stronger than ever because you’re just an open letter, I’m the one who broke the social media. And I’m the one who let the nation know what I’m having for dinner, and made them forget about millions of farmers dying of hunger.