Your Cat Gives Relationship Advice
Disclaimer My friend recently broke up with her long-time boyfriend, and I dropped by at her place to see how she's doing. When I was leaving, I saw her on my laptop, having written this piece. I swear these aren't my thoughts. Please Don't kill me. Also, the cat doesn't know how to attach pictures.
Do you fall for douchebags? Possibly.
But how many shitty relationships and bad hook ups does it take for one to start to introspect?
Let's jump into your stupid little head and turn those stupid little gears.
Here are ten reasons why you... Bugger off. This isn’t that kind of a site; we’ve established it already. Fucking morons.
Maybe the guy you just broke up with after a one year of “loving” relationship, being your third long-ass relationship that ended badly, was not such an asshole. He wasn’t when you started dating him.
I remember you telling me how amazing he is, and how he makes you feel wanted, and how he’s sooooo different from anyone you’ve ever dated.
A few months into the relationship
You have your “OMG! First fight!”, which, to you is cute. To me, it’s alarm bells ringing, because I know I have to console your asinine face again.
Another month in
It’s not a fucking break up every time you have a damn argument with your boyfriend. Human beings have heterogeneous opinions for fuck’s sake.
When you keep breaking up every week, it’s hard to take you or your so called “love” seriously anymore.
The last few months
The amount of time you spend being in a relationship is about half as much the time you stay “broken fucking up.”
By this time, I’ve lost all my patience and interest in your stupid relationship. You’re lucky you’re so much stronger than me; else I'd claw your perfect little teeth out.
Also, if I hear the phrase, ”He’s changed” one more time, I swear to all that’s holy, I’m gonna kill a little kitten with a sharpie.
The Break Up
I’m only gonna believe you when this break of yours lasts for more than a week. Till then, you’re on your own, bruh.
Which brings us to now.
This wasn’t much of an introspection, as much as it was about me venting out. But I had to tell you it was about you, else you just wouldn’t listen, would you? You self-centered ego maniac. Why am I even friends with you? Oh, right! You give me food.
Anyway. Now about you.
Maybe the guy you dated wasn’t such an asshole. Maybe, it’s your constant nagging and wanting to (I can’t find a bitter ellipsis) “improve/help/clean him up” made him more distant than his normal boring self. You chose him the way he was, how about not try to change all the shit all the time.
You had an issue with him hanging out with his guy pals too, right?
“Stay with them. No time for me, but can hang out with them. Mwaaaaa!!”
And you gave him hell when “that chick” sent him a snap chat or liked something he shared. Or God forbid, liked his picture, or holy litterbox filled with sand and my poop, left a comment.
You expect him to be a sage? Really?
Philosophy and Other Gyaan
Maybe you antagonize him now because you can’t have him. Constant phrases like “I hate him. But I care about him” don’t help the cause either.
Antagonizing the unattainable is easy. I antagonized your bed until I got to sleep on it at last. But it doesn’t make us right.
Humans are fundamentally flawed beings. Sometimes they exhibit the best of them. But the worst is bound to come out, especially with the ones you’re most comfortable with.
Sometimes, they genuinely are douchebags and assholes, what're you gonna do about it. It's what you idiots evolved into.
Now, feed me, bitch.