I was thinking about writing a profound piece full of tongue in cheek humor that talks about how it's so simple to offend anybody on the internet these days and how it's easier to turn the comment section of a facebook post into a war zone than an actual war zone. (Expecting a lot of backlash for using that forbidden territory here for my humble attempt at humor but I know I can't dodge this bullet. Shit! Here I go, again. Well, nobody's going to read this anyway, so let's go ahead.)

Where was I at? Yes, making this piece all profound and how everyone's easily getting offended but that kind of content is already the talk of the town so I have decided to tell you guys the absolute truth. It's not easy to offend someone on the internet. Not at all. That kind of action takes a fool proof plan, with an A, B, and a C side along with the kind of content you'll be using to offend people. Because the whole conundrum of offending changes from a status to a comment section. These two are not at all alike, my man. Or woman. Or human. Umm.. animals too, if I may say? Or not.

This post is the live downward spiral of my writing career.

Anyway, here are the steps that a person who usually offends different sections of society in general, follows. However, following these steps may or may not make you an offender in real life because we all know how compatible our offline and online lives are.

Trust me, I'd never take out the online me on a date.

Step 1: Decide how you want to offend

This can be done in several ways. One is, sharing a post that at least 20% of your "friends" or "followers" don't agree with. You could also post a status update or send out a tweet. Basically, voicing your opinion works just fine. Even if you intend it to be funny. However, this section does not include a comment on a Facebook post as that is a different category altogether. This also does not include a "story" that vanishes in 24 hours unless you decide to make it immortal by sharing it on Facebook or Instagram.

Step 2: Mind your language

Sharing your opinion isn't the only key here. Your language has to be immaculate. It needs to have perfect grammar and have at least one or two swear words thrown in here and there. There can't be too many because you don't want to sound uneducated on Facebook, do you?

Step 3: Use the comments you get, wisely

Now, the comment section on your posts or your shared posts varies from the one that is on somebody else's post. You certainly do not want to mix the two. Here, you have force your opinion on somebody based on some face checking you did on your Facebook wall. Don't you dare move on to Google, because that way you'll end up writing an article like me. I mean, I don't mind you doing that but I just feel I do it better.

Step 4: The comment section

Now here we are talking about the comment section of the posts that are not yours. Here, you can release all of your pent-up frustration and not care about consequences at all. Extra points for using Whatsapp forwards as your arguments and judging the whole content of the post just by looking at its headline. You can be as audacious with your language as you like and be a misogynist, misandrist, homophobe, germaphobe, whatever floats your boat, matey! This territory of offense is strongly impersonal and therefore, requires no planning at all.

Albeit, there are a few consequences of Step 4 that you do need to prepared for. For example, your profile would be stalked and your display picture will be judged. But you can always have a fake one for these purposes. Your words will be taken out of context and you'll deal with as much filth as you put out there. I haven't figured out the internet enough to know how to deal with that. You may also receive a few threats on your other folder, but you can just ignore that.

Bonus Step 5: Write about things that everybody loves

Now, this step is especially for the people who want to be in the news for a week or two. All you have to do is write a listicle or a 300-word "open letter" about anything that the world loves. For example, how F.R.I.E.N.D.S was the worst show ever, how Ted Mosby was an idiot, and how Coldplay is a sucky band playing the same tunes over and over again. This can also work the other way round where you praise the kind of things the world hates. For example, Chetan Bhagat, Linkin Park's new song, Nazism, and Donald Trump. Actually, nobody hates him. He's just an all new kind of entertainment.

With this, I will end my piece that is, in no way, a profound article with the best of tongue in cheek humor. It's as honest as it gets like the other stuff on the internet. One piece of advice, though, remember to not get viral because then not only will you have to face the stalking consequences as mentioned in Step 4, you might also be invited for some stone throwing at your place, a couple of your effigies burned, a News Hour debate in your name, and a few FIRs filed against you. That kind of popularity gets really difficult to handle. That is why, take it slow, and then achieve the fame you always wished for.


PS: Border pe soldiers khade hai.